Hot! 5 Reasons Why You Won’t Survive The Zombie Apocalypse

No, I’m not being a self righteous dick. In the event of a massive zombie apocalypse, I probably won’t survive either. But hopefully I’ve planned well enough to survive long enough to think I had a chance in making it. To all the gun toting hardcore woodsmen/woodswomen out there, Godspeed. For the rest of us city slickers, take a good hard look at the list and try to come to terms with your somewhat certain future as target practice for the military.


1. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - Also commonly referred to as shell shock, this disorder affects people who have dealt with extremely traumatic and/or near death experiences. In a zombie apocalypse, you’ll probably get this after the first day. If you live that long. Sufferers must deal with severe anxiety, flashbacks of said event, and emotional arouse. Not the kind that you feel when you lose your virginity, but more like the fight or flight reaction that kicks in when something crazy happens. Impending car accident, being part of a cataclysmic event, etc etc. Imagine dealing with PTSD on a daily basis, and then getting new traumatic experiences piled on top of that every day after that. Your emotional well-being will dip to the levels of “Please God Take Me Now” in less than a few weeks, and even if you survive longer than that, you’ll have to deal with your fellow humans acting batshit crazy.


2. Lack of Protection - There’s no rules to what might happen in the zombie apocalypse. You can hope for the slow moving shufflers or the dancers in the Thriller video, but you may get Tyrants and the 28 Days Later zombies roaming the earth. As such, you won’t know how the infection spreads. Airborne, through any bodily fluids being exchanged, and so on and so forth. With so many possibilities, unless you’re part of the 1% or live at home with enabling parents, you won’t have the proper gear to prevent the infection from spreading. And jimmyrigging a suit together that makes you look like a walking condom probably won’t do much either.


3. Governmental Policy – You’ve watched enough movies to know that the government doesn’t care about individuals in the case of a sudden outbreak of an unknown virus. Worse still is when the virus causes victims to reanimate after death and turn incredibly violent. If you’re in one of the quarantine zones and there’s not a cure found immediately, it’s safe to assume we’ll be meeting at the crossroads so you won’t be loneleeeeyyyyyy. Sorry, random Bone Thugs moment. Will Smith was a rich and famous doctor, and look what happened to his family when shit hit the fan in I Am Legend. FOREVER ALONE.


4. Your Cardio Sucks - 2,000 rounds of ammo. 15 different types of firearms. MRE’s to last until 2015. All the Multicam clothing you can buy. With a 48 inch waist. DOH. Part of survival preparedness is being physically capable of running, climbing, jumping, and more with the gear you think you’ll need to keep you alive for the time being. Ever try humping all that zombie killin’ gear with you on a 5 mile hike? It sucks. Bad. Judging our results from Concrete Hero and Run For Your Lives, our cardio isn’t so great either. Sure, you can run 6 miles. Or maybe you’re a Crossfit guru. Or you can spar for 12 rounds straight. But can you combine all of those types of cardiovascular activities together into one or two hours without pooping your pants? I know I couldn’t. Escape and Evasion isn’t just glorified hide and go seek. It’s a mad dash to hide from would be captors and human eaters. One of the reasons we made our zombie camouflage Futura Bandana. We’ll take any advantage we can.


5. Desensitization - With the amount of time we spend hearing about the undead from The Walking Dead, video games, movies, or comics, in a hypothetical scenario when those flesh eating jerks are out and about roaming around, you might think you’re being trolled by a group of your friends or something. That split second of indecision to run away to your bug out location could very well end your life. Besides, no one wants to be “that guy” who killed someone for impersonating a zombie. You saw the Miami Zombie impersonator. It took some of those folks a good few seconds to come to grips with what the hell was going on and that was in the hood. Save for that one dude who actually pulled a piece on the actor or the others who hit the fence to escape, the rest would have been turned into walkers fairly easily. Sure, desensitization may help when it comes to the PTSD mentioned earlier, but it can also lead to you second guessing yourself for fear of being wrong one way or the other. We’re so used to actually seeing zombies everywhere that we might not actually react properly if this fictional event were to occur.


Our actual advice for surviving? Leave us all of your bug out gear. We’ll make better use of it. By selling it ahead of time for alcohol.


J Brooks

J Brooks is sound asleep somewhere because he thought Tylenol PM stood for "Power Medicine."